There, I’ve said it and I can’t take it back.

When the two Js were in town last month, I warned them that, on the occasions we would be eating out, they would both inevitably end up waiting for me to finish.  Sadly (for them), this is exactly what happened.  Going out for pizza, I typically finished two pieces after their three, four, five or six.

Just today, I had some falafel for lunch.  I was sitting outside on a park bench, by myself, and I started eating this falafel in a pita at let’s say 2:15 pm give or take, and it took me until 2:50 pm to completely finish it.  Directly across from me on another set of benches was a group of people in their late teens, and I have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as I left, they started talking about that weird slow eater.  Like, what took him so friggin long?

One of the things about my loner’s life is that I almost always eat alone, and so eating with others can be somewhat difficult for me, as I always feel rushed.  Even if I’m not eating ‘with’ others, per se, but am in the same room with others who are also eating (like a breakroom at work, for instance), I usually still feel quite out of place - like a turtle in a Lamborghini.

At my last full-time job (two long years ago now), I was lucky enough to work in a place where I almost always got to eat by myself.  I would plant myself in an empty room, with a book or newspaper to read, and most of the time people were polite enough to leave me alone.  I used my lunch hour to do just that - have lunch.  By contrast, in previous jobs I’ve had, I’ve seen people in breakrooms scarf down their lunches in five minutes and then spend the rest of the time talking.

Same goes for social dinners.  I’m there for the dinner, everyone else seems to be there for the social.

What is with the fast eaters?  When did eating become a race?  How can you possibly enjoy the taste of what you’re eating if you don’t bother to chew it?

For me it also has to do with a fear of choking.  I have an annoyingly hyperactive gag reflex (which makes my rare trips to the dentist unbearable for both me and the dentist), and so if I don’t chew my food, and some big hunk of broccoli gets lodged in the back of my throat, I’ll probably start choking on it.  I don’t want this to happen, so I chew my food to where I can easily swallow it.

Doing this, of course, takes time, which makes me a slow eater compared to everyone else.  But I’m okay with that, as I am with all of the things that make me a weirdo, because eating slower, and chewing your food more, is much better for you in the long run.

So there, you speed freaks.